Thoughts on PRIDE and PRIVILEGE

I’ll never forget the day my elementary school-aged daughter decided to paint green stripes in her hair for school. The day we went out to get the hair dye was full of excitement; she couldn’t wait to get home and read the instructions so that when it was time to fix her hair before school in the morning, she would be ready. She had trouble sleeping the night before because she was so excited. And my normally-hard-to-wake-up child was up and dressed before me. Because we were up so early we were ready early, and she spent that last half hour before we were able to leave for school admiring herself in the mirror and dancing around. And her smile! She loved how it looked, and she loved having that look for herself!

As parents, we cherish those completely-happy-in-the-moment moments our children have, don’t we? I started my day just as happy as she was, because there is NOTHING better than seeing someone else truly happy – especially when it’s your own child.

And she came home crying.

Not just crying. Crushed.

A few of the kids at school didn’t like it and made fun of her.

Can you imagine what that felt like? I’d bet money (and I don’t have any) that you can – because I’ll bet more money I don’t have that you have experienced something similar.

Even now, I can still feel the pain of that day, almost 20 years ago.

I was just as crushed as she was – maybe even more, because it took me a lot to learn to have my own confidence enough not to let anyone else take it away – and that is exactly what she did, she let someone else take it away from her. And I had to watch how she handled it that first time. I got to watch her then begin and continue to hide certain expressions of herself out of fear of how others would react – and nothing I said to her made any difference, because peer acceptance at that age becomes more important than personal identity and pride.

But it’s not just at that age, is it? Despite that we are told that we can be whatever and whoever we want to be, that we need to find our inner talents, to find out who we are so that we can be the best individual we can be … to love ourselves… we are taught that conformity to social acceptance means more.

That is an idea that we have perpetuated even after we got out of school and began to make our own ways into the world (after realizing that we needed to have some measure of self-awareness to do so), by still buying (literally buying) into the need to keep up with the Joneses, in the need for fashion labels (but only the ones that others have), and the need to ‘not upset the apple cart’.

(That’s funny on its own: apple carts are outdated, too.)

Be what other people think you should be. Hide what someone else might not want to see. Live according to other people’s beliefs.

Read: Be who you are told to be. Who you are doesn’t matter.

I am a straight, white female, and I am still fighting that same battle to be self-confident enough to paint green stripes in my hair – but there is one major difference in any of the battles of self-love I may face versus the battles some others may face: my biggest opponent is myself.

I can get a tattoo, wear my hair down, wear makeup, stay single, have children, get married, have children, get married and not have children, get divorced, get married for a second time not in a church, live with someone out of wedlock, have sex without being married, and fall in love. Sure, some people won’t approve of me and may judge me. Some may avoid associating with me. Some people may even not like me.

But I will NEVER be physically threatened, abused or denied my personal rights for any of that.

And that is PRIVILEGE. The fact that I am allowed to be me, even if being me is considered cause for some judgment.

I will not be refused at a bakery when I try to order a cake –

– there’s a funny irony there: I would be if they knew me, but I won’t because my sexuality and/or personal identity has not been made a focus of contention.

As a woman, I face my own challenges of being allowed to be who I am without judgment or unfair treatment, but still my life and livelihood are not threatened by it – and that’s only because I’m fortunate enough time-wise and geographically. I am Privileged because of that. There’s no doubt in my mind that if I’d been born in other places and other times, I wouldn’t have reached the age I’m at now.

Which also proves that times change – maybe not fast enough, but they do.  We all now can wear white after Labor Day and eat meat on Fridays without fear of being ostracized or penalized in any way.

And fear is what prevents any of us from having any pride at all. We have been trained to follow conformity for acceptance, and then try to enforce others to toe the same line we had to toe – even if we didn’t like it.

We were taught that ‘because I said so’ is reason enough to follow someone else’s rules. We swallowed all of it, and believed it for no other reason. And we felt we had to, because if we broke those rules we might not be loved, might not be accepted, might not be taken seriously, and might not be allowed to  __. In turn, we’ve forced those same limits on others, even saying “Because I said so” long after the original “I” has been so far removed we don’t even know that person.

Even the ideas what people should look and be like were fed to us. A woman needs to be of a certain shape and size. Jesus was white. Women couldn’t wear pants. Men shouldn’t be wearing makeup and dresses – even though not too long ago they were the ones wearing the hose and wigs; and it has been less time since that men weren’t supposed to pierce their ears.

Personally, I think we should stop telling children/people that they can be whoever they want to be, because we don’t mean it.  They learn from us what we ‘expect’ from them first in how we dress them, how we tell them they should act, and in how we allow them to express themselves. We confuse the separate ideas of ‘preparing them for the future’ with ‘deciding for them what they should do and be’. The only pride they are allowed is what we give them if they kowtow.

Pride is not to be taken for or from others. If we truly want our children – and people – to be happy, we should let them be concerned for their own pride without having to consider what would make us proud. Pride is a personal thing. Pride is self-happiness, self-confidence, self-acceptance … and self-love.  

There is a reason that people aren’t happy. Most of it stems from feeling the need to follow expectations, rather than make our own paths. It is not noble to be a martyr; sacrificing your happiness takes away your ability to share it with others, and if you’re dead there’s nothing left of you to help anyone. You can’t “love anyone as you would love yourself” if you don’t love yourself.

Pride with a capital P is that self-love made visible. It is a bold measure of standing up for oneself and saying that my own acceptance of me matters more than yours does. Although it is not defiance, it is viewed as such when someone else disapproves.

Privilege with a capital P is knowing that no one will discriminate against or physically hurt you for having that pride.

I was at the Boston Pride parade in 2019, and I saw a Queen decked out all in silver, walking towards me on the sidewalk. She was not part of the parade but celebrating with it. She walked down the sidewalk with her head high, a self-confidence I have yet to achieve – without arrogance, and a look of such happiness and serenity that I cried.

I cried.

I cried, because seeing that contentment was beautiful. And I cried, because I remembered that look on my daughter’s face as well as the abrupt cessation of it. I cried, because I knew she would not be able to walk like that, feel like that under other circumstances. I cried for the losses of personal freedom that allow for some people to only enjoy moments of serenity, when others are allowed to gad about as they please without fear.

Like it or not, it has become necessary to stand up for Pride in sexuality and orientation; just as necessary as it has been for women to be able to say “No!” and black people to stand up and say “We Matter!”

It’s all the same fight. All any of us are demanding – because we should never have had to ask for it in the first place– is to be given what we deserve to be given as our human birthright:  the respect of being allowed to be the beings we are, without fear of persecution.

(Journal) 2020: We Never Saw It Coming

Buy here on Amazon

REVIEWS:

“Friends that need to organize this madness, I recommend ‘We Never Saw It Coming, A Historiographic Interactive Journal.’ $15 on Amazon. Lets you cover the pandemic from last November through next February.” – Amy M.

AND:

“People! Listen up and hop over to Amazon, etc. to get “2020: We Never Saw It Coming” by my friend Sue Roulusonis.

Think graduation present for 2020 middle and high schoolers in your life — a one of a kind yearbook. Think about yourself. Not sure when you last showered? There’s a page for that. Having a hard time knowing what day this is? Want to compare notes and complaints and worries with fellow isolationists? This is the book for you.

Think time capsule.

I’ve been laughing since yesterday when I saw my friend Sue Roulusonis has a new book out (not sure how because she just published “Issues” within the last year). A sampling of readers’ pages below.

I’m ordering today, once I get over my jealousy that she thought up such a genius book AND made it available so soon. Everyone needs one of these. Think coffee table and the conversation starters, “Mommy, what did you do during 2020.”” – Nancie Y.

Things Will Not Go Back to Normal – And That’s Okay

Watch this read aloud on YouTube

Everyone is talking about what will happen when ‘things go back to normal’ and they are looking at it as (1) as if they could, and (2) as if it would be a good thing.

Things will never be normal again; at least, not the normal most people are thinking about. They can’t. The fallout after this crisis is going to take a lot more than mere cleanup.

What we first have to look at is what we consider the idea of normal to be. Our dictionaries define it as: conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected and the usual, average, or typical state or condition.

First of all, the thought of ‘going back’ to anything is not very forward-thinking; second, the status quo, the existing state of affairs – the ‘Normal’ – has already changed. The ‘usual’ now – at least for non-essential workers – is focused on fear, anticipation, toilet paper, and the unfortunately-named ‘social distancing’.

This is what’s normal – at least for right now.

Therein lies part of our problem. When we look at right now it is with an expectancy of change, yet when we look at normal we ignore the possibility of it.

The more things change, the more they remain the same. Right? This means normal is change and change is normal.

Therefore, what is not normal is actually normal.

We are always changing; everything is always changing. You can’t grow without changing – we see that first in the need for bigger shoes; you can’t experience anything without some sort of transformation. We have a habit of focusing on the routines of jobs and scheduled activities to maintain a belief in a steady existence – and we bitch about that daily grind – while not noticing the constant change as we go along. That is why our children grow up so fast; we are so busy looking at the ‘same old, same old’ that we miss the new. Change happens all the time; we’re just not paying attention.

What we define as normal is a pretense, a game we play to instill a sense of continuity to find comfort in something familiar – yet even in that comfort zone, we look ahead for ‘better times’.

And that is exactly what we are doing now. Looking ahead for better times. The only thing different with this now moment is that every single one of life’s possibilities, probabilities, and certainties – marriages, births, aging, promotions, graduations, job-losses, personal transformation, economic crisis, sickness, and death – is happening all at once, in a concentrated form and accelerated motion, to everyone in the world at the same time.

Normal, but at Mach speed.

And, there is nowhere to run, for any of us.

Now as fast as everything is moving around us, we are sitting at home in enforced inactivity, feeling like we have no control over anything.

That is true. At least, it feels that way – which does make it seem true.

But that is not true. We are in control of the one thing we have always had control over, and the only thing we will always have control over: ourselves, individually.

This may be a hard lesson for most of us, but we are in the prime position to fully realize what it means to be in control of ourselves. Once we realize that, we will begin to see how taking care of ourselves is the first step to positively affecting what’s around us – without the need to exert any effort at direct control.

Think about what you focused on before, when things were normal. Does keeping up with the Kardashians matter to you right now? Is that what will make your immediate situation better?

We are all in this together. Can we recognize that? This virus is equal-opportunity and non-discriminatory – not in the hypocritical, unequal, discriminatory, and limited way we use those phrases, but in their truest senses. No one is exempt, not from the virus itself or the effects of this pandemic – not in any corner of the world. Just three weeks ago, only 63 of the world’s 195 countries had not declared known cases; as of two days ago, only 15 have not confirmed – but the lack of a formal declaration does not negate the likelihood of contamination. It is known that testing supplies are lacking, some countries are only acknowledging the more dire cases, others are just usually secretive, and serious credibility has been given to the speculation of authoritarian repression that has included the banning of the word ‘coronavirus’ and making the wearing of masks illegal. What this means most likely is that the countries that haven’t acknowledged it publicly just haven’t acknowledged it publicly.

I can hide my scars, but that doesn’t mean they are not there.

We are being given a world view of true equality; it does not matter what language you speak, what color your skin is, your gender, your gender identity, your sexual orientation, your political views, your fame, your wealth, your poverty, your social standing, your marital status, your religious views, your agnostic views, your skill set, your educational experience, your abstinence, your geographical location, your current state of health, your age, your weight, your size, your living conditions, your hair color, or any other foolish excuse we use to draw lines between us.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT YET?

We are all in this together, as one, because we are the same.

With the complete and total scope of this pandemic, we have two choices: (1) look at the entire problem at once and get overwhelmed, or (2) focus on the moment.

Isn’t it ironic that it takes a past-present-future problem to learn the importance of the now?

Most of us are wavering somewhere between being overwhelmed and focusing on the moment.  It is understandable; we may not have expected life to be all roses, but we probably didn’t expect all the shit to hit all the fans all at once.

Life itself is continuing – the waking up, the breathing, the days passing – but with this current situation we are forced to confront not just life’s transient nature, but the speed at which things can change.

Which puts a new focus on time. Right now, the only thing dividing any of us is whether or not we are considered essential or non-essential workers. The essential workers have the benefit of the steady income but are now in a more dangerous job situation; the non-essential workers are losing money, but their health safety is slightly more guaranteed. Neither side is in a good position. Health and resources are needed for survival, and neither side has both.

The tipping point on whose side is more favorable is the aspect of time. Non-essentials have been gifted with time. For us to be able to see anything positive during this world situation we must look at it that way; as a gift. Unfortunately, we have trouble still appreciating the value of time when survival is threatened. Time can be a light in darkness, but even light can be frightening if you are the deer caught in the car’s headlights and frozen in the middle of the road.

It can feel like we are living in a non-reality; what we looked at to be solid ground beneath our feet is breaking apart and there looks like nothing firm to stand on.

The first action we take – after the initial deer-in-the-headlights shock – will be to get ourselves standing upright on the firmest spot we can. In those initial moments of panicked movement and tension, we rush to ensure that immediate needs are taken care of as we hole up in our safest spots. Once we are settled as best as we can be, we look up and around.

Now what?

And it hits us: nothing is the same as it was, every single thing we usually did (and took for granted) became options no longer easily available to us and we were forced to redefine what a priority is.

Think about it; in the space of one week, toilet paper became more important than food.

Now what?

And we realize that this global concern has left us alone with ourselves.

And we, ourselves as individuals, are our own individual greatest resource, and the only thing we have control over.

First, we need to focus on appreciation. There is always something to appreciate in everything – how else do we see what we don’t like? Don’t worry; no one is making you commit to saying things aren’t bad, but you are allowed to admit to silver linings.

How many of you are tired? Take a nap. How many of you are stressed? Stop, drink a cup of tea, meditate, take a walk, read a book, listen to music – and recharge yourself.

You have time. While you can’t go about your ‘normal’ activities, you have the time you’ve been saying you don’t have. How many of us don’t party on a school night because it will affect the next morning? How many of us have stolen time to read a book, only to have to rush to catch up on what we didn’t do? We now have that time. Take it. Don’t pressure yourself to learn a new language (or something along those lines) – the people that push the idea of that kind of ‘easy’ productivity may have forgotten that their initial needs of survival have already been met. Everybody’s personal situation is different. You will not be able to accomplish anything like that until you are motivated to, and when your way of life is threatened you are only motivated to try and secure it. Creative motivation will come once you are feeling better. Then, try something new for the simple pleasure of it – and not because you felt shamed into it.

Healthy dealing with the changes of our now-existence relies on changing our perspective on it.

When we were in school we went on field trips. Some of them were fun, and some were ‘educational’ – which meant boring. Half of us would complain about the boring field trip, and the rest of us would celebrate that we were not sitting in class.

This is the same situation. Whether or not you can find something to appreciate in any of this depends on your perspective.

Obviously, the actual reach of the virus in your immediate environment will determine your perspective and shape your priorities, but there are still things to be grateful for despite the harsh circumstances.

Our entire world has been derailed; the tracks we were riding on are too damaged. We have to get off the train while new tracks are laid, possibly on an altered course.

Is that necessarily a bad thing? Had we been completely happy with the ride as it was?

We as a world could not make a decision together on how to handle the extreme problem of school shootings, and our battles had a limited focus on the total scope of the cause. Our kids are out of school now, and now we have the time to give genuine thought towards an actual solution and preventative measures.

Depression and mental health – an equal and largely ignored part of the school-shootings debate – has been brought to the forefront, as we are forced to face our own feelings in isolation. Even those of us who consider ourselves to have no mental issues cannot ignore the ‘simple’ effects of being ‘overwhelmed’ during these times or how it affects us.

Individual cities and states have been battling increasing road traffic situations. This is a problem that needs to be handled by both lawmakers and businesses together, working on a multi-part solution that includes remote working and changing hours, instead of the common fallback of financially penalizing the general public that uses those roadways to get to work. Now many companies are being forced to change how they operate and the roads are empty except for essential employees – and our definition of who is essential has also changed.

Weren’t we just close to being at war with another country? How dire was that situation on either side that it was possible to have been shelved while we’ve started focusing on our needs ‘closer to home’?

Cities and towns were being ‘gentrified’ at the expense of the residents who were being forced out of communities because the new standard of gentrification is way above the majority of the general population’s income level. Self-contained ‘communities’ were being built at an alarming rate that negated the very idea of ‘community’. The smaller margin of people that would have been enticed may have more money to bring to a location, but even they are staying home now.

Priorities are being rearranged. Even pious religious judgment could be put aside by the parent whose gay or transgender child is facing death from Covid-19 – a virus that attacks everybody equally. And what of the gay or transgender medical and mental health workers who are working hard to ensure everyone’s health? Are you going to slap their hand away if they are offering one in assistance?

Our new ‘celebrities’ are those people who are working to help, heal, support, and comfort others.  Nobody’s makeup and Photoshop hacks can accomplish that, nor will it save anyone who is ill.

The standard school system is being forced to change. History will now be written and taught a little more accurately, because more people are writing it as its happening and fewer people can be forced into silence. People are turning in droves to the arts for comfort, healing, and recharging, proving to the educational system the importance of music and art programs – especially for mental health across the board.

The importance of teachers – the true teachers – has become highlighted. The art of teaching is being forced to be what it is supposed to be – exposure to real learning – rather than what has turned into basic mechanical regurgitation by those willing to do more but whose hands have been tied more and more by silly and faulty societal norms and others’ social-climbing agendas.

Those who want to learn will be offered more opportunity when the educational system – that is supposedly in place for all – is forced to become less of a money game.

The issue of homelessness is becoming a very real concern for a growing majority. There but for the grace of God go I is becoming less of a trite phrase as many people are out of work and worried about their financial stability.

The elderly have largely been left out of consideration by the establishments. How many of them lead isolated lives just because they were put in homes and everyone else moved on? Now, we know how they feel.

These are only some of the problems we have been dealing with; there are many more, and we looked at all of them as normal, but all of them are being refocused under our current world view. All of our current societal ‘structures’ (the modes, standards, institutions) are essentially “closed for renovation”. This is a very good thing. Our problems haven’t stopped, but they’ve been tabled in such a way to allow the time to work them out.

The capacity for compassion is increasing, because the lines between the homeless and homed, religious and agnostic, men and women, LGBTQ and straight, black and white, and Democrat or Republican, are being blurred. Each side is seeing ways to relate to the other on the human level; blurring the lines makes a battle moot.

For the longest time our focus has been on collectives like religious groups, political parties, genders, and haves and have-nots, rather than the individuals that make up these collectives. Quarantines, stay-at-home orders, and all that has been forcing environments of isolation have put the focus back on the individual person, and as individuals each of us are in a position to help fix –  fix ­– the problems we collectively have been dealing with by working on that presumed lowest common denominators: our individual selves.

Now that the initial ‘rush’ is over, we are learning new ways to support ourselves (mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and financially) from a perspective that has largely been held as being ‘selfish’, while learning a new understanding  that self-care is important. Self-care-to-the-point-of-detriment-or-harm-to-another is wrong. We are re-learning to take only what we need – without hoarding – and doing the best with what we have.  That will aid us both individually and then, collectively.

It starts with the individual, and the individual idea. Necessity has always been the mother of invention. We haven’t done too much of significant value lately because we haven’t felt a ‘need’, and instead settled into a familiar status quo.

Now there is no status quo – at least not as we viewed it before, and our needs have changed. Nothing is normal, and that’s okay.

What can we do? First, we can take care of our own physical and mental health. Without either, we are not in a position to help anyone else.

That includes going easy on yourself. Giving yourself a break, down-time, fuck-off time, and allowing time for your grieving – because we are grieving the passing of the norm – and allowing yourself to recharge is a top priority. Feel your emotions and make peace with them. There is no wrong way to feel in these times.

There is also no wrong way to parent in these times. Don’t fall under any belief that you ‘have to’ put pressure on the children – especially when you can’t successfully put it on yourself. We’ve already condemned them enough for not living the childhood we had when they are not even living in the same world. None of us have a clue yet of what kind of world they would need to be prepared for.

And remember, with them out of school, we are also their guidance counselors. We’ll need to get our own shit together first.

Re-learn who you are. It’s not as hard under these conditions when ideas of peer status and propriety have gone out the window. You’ll begin to see that your need for keeping up with the Joneses had more to do with insecurity and fear than your own life-preferences. When you are alone with yourself, who do you need to impress?

We are scrambling to rebuild and need to make sure that even our smallest nails can withstand the hammer, and we have the time to do this.  Realize your own importance in the food chain.

It is said that the best way to feel better is by putting your arm around someone who needs the comfort more. Even with limited-by-the-minute resources, you still have something of value to give: your time. Reach out to those who need to hear a friendly voice, a good word, or a song to lift their spirits. Like the idea behind prayer, many minds can come together with positive and powerful thoughts. Love is an emotion – energy in motion. It cannot be physically touched; therefore, it can still be spread without physical contact, and it can be felt.

By reaching out the best way we can to each other, we are re-establishing the value of community and family and re-learning our strengths as such. This will force changes in ‘the establishment’.  Pay attention to the fact that the establishment has noticed the beginning of its own implosion; how many individual cities and states began making their own decisions regarding virus control?

The back end of this global crisis is a complete upset of complacency and the status quo. All of our ‘systems’ are upside down right now. Our new heroes are the people that help people – in any way. The medical and mental health professionals, the teachers, and every single individual who is a part of making the healing and happiness happen. The color of your collar does not matter as much anymore, does it?

We have more power (and control) by working together. Remember and be aware of your own importance as an individual and as a part of a group. Do what you can with what you have and take care of yourself, so that you are able to be the change and a part of the changes you want to see.

We are not at war. We do not even have a common enemy; Covid-19 is a catalyst that is causing a wide range of challenges for everyone. When we eliminate the idea of an enemy, we eliminate the need to blame and we can stop wasting time on it. The effects of the challenges caused are not the same for everyone; therefore, everyone must deal with them individually.

Are we sensing a theme here? Take care of you (all of you), so that we can take care of this together…

If you need the comfort zone of something you can call ‘normal’, always be consistently YOU, and you can hold onto that.

Once you get your bearings, look around you. Take joy in the simple pleasure available. See how many people are trying to help in so many ways. Listen to the music, share the laugh, sing … be. Restoring your faith in yourself will restore your faith in the world, and your ability to feel like an active part of it.

We have continuously put pressure on ourselves to “do, do, do”. Do the best you can with what you have. Now is the time to “be”. Be you. Be safe. Be mindful. Be kind.

And know that everything will be all right, because you have a part in ensuring it.

 

 

 

 

 

Doctors: Have Patience (PLEASE)

This is a sort of follow-up to my Back-Door Benefits of Fear post. In a nutshell: I got an unexpected day off to take my sick kid to the doctor, specifically because of our current world-health situation.

As a parent, you know when your kid is sick enough to warrant medical attention. For the record, my employer does not ‘recommend’ me staying home for a sick child, nor does he ‘suggest’ taking the day off to care for said child. So, when my employer ‘offered’ the day off ‘to take my child to the doctor’ (with a half-joking “Please take her to the doctor!” as I was leaving), I did just that.  If I’d just been given the day off to care for my child, I would have monitored the situation a little longer.

My child had a fever. Just a fever, but that means no school.

I was unable to get to our regular doctor and had to go to an Urgent Care facility.  The doctor asked when the fever started and I told him that I noticed it first when I pulled my child close to me and kissed her on the forehead and was surprised at how hot her skin was.

I was basically told that since I did not take her temperature with a thermometer, I could not possibly know that she actually had a fever, “maternal instincts aside”.

Give that a minute.

(I had to, because my first ‘maternal instinct’ at the moment was to slap him.)

He then proceeded to talk to me as if I were an alarmist parent who would waste a doctor’s valuable time every time my kid sneezed.

Yes, I was offended. At first, it was simply because this clueless doctor has no idea of job insecurity, maternal instincts, or me – because I’m the last person who would rush to a doctor. Where I’m from you learned to suck it up, cupcake. Doctor visits happened when something was about to fall off or when school rules required it.

I waited two days to write this because I realized I was more than just offended on my own merit. Yes, I admit to my own thoughts of condescension to the parents who seek medical attention for a sniffle and most definitely resented that condescension being directed at me.

But times are different right now. And the doctor should know that. Even if this is something we’ve been through before historically, this is the first time such a situation has fully entered the age of social media.

This educated man first should be aware that dealing with alarmist parents is part of his job (can I get an “Amen” from my fellow service-industry workers?).  Then, he should remember that his job is patient care.

With his knowledge, he should also realize that this is a prime opportunity for him to educate the people he comes into contact with, especially during this time of global crisis.

Doctors, we have something going on right now that requires you to pay attention to all of your duties. Your job isn’t just treating the public, it’s dealing with the public. This day and age of social media does not just inflame the alarmists, it connects real people who will talk about good and bad service – and you provide a service that we pay healthily (pun intended) for.

Understand that what is going on right now is the equivalent for you of what a Sears employee would go through during the Christmas in July sale: greater mobs, heightened emotions, panic, and a bigger rush.

So suck it up, Cupcake, this is a part of your job. By mocking the very real fear that people are experiencing right now with your patronization and condescension, you are only allowing and encouraging it to spread.

Isn’t it your job to help fight the spread of anything viral?

Please, use this as an opportunity to teach, to share, to care for your patients.

Back-door Benefits of Fear

I don’t have to tell you what everyone’s talking about nowadays. But I’ll get into that later.

I’m a single American parent living the dream. That means I work too many hours for not enough pay, and sick time is a joke.

During the daily grind, there is nothing more worrisome, anger-inspiring, paralyzing, fear-inducing, and guilt-ridden than The Kid Sick Day – the day your child is sick enough to need to stay home.

— did you catch that? ‘Sick enough’? I caught it as I was typing, and realized what I was saying, realized the full implication.

Since The News hit, there have been many articles and news bits about a problem with people going to work sick. Apparently, this is only a problem now. They all say the same thing: too many people go to work sick. Duh. Then they talk about why it’s a bad thing. Some of them will even go so far as to mention that many employees really don’t have the option to take a sick day. Again, Duh. 

And that’s usually as far as it goes.

If you’re not a worker who has sick days, there’s a better-than-good chance you don’t have the luxury of its sub-category: The Kid Sick Day.

I’ll tell you, it’s a lot easier to go to work when I’m sick than it is when my kid is because I’m still able to monitor the situation. I may still be resentful that I have to, but it’s definitely a lower stress threshold.

When you don’t have allowed sick days, it can be very hard to get the time off. Most of us don’t work for fun, and a sick day means less of the necessary income. It can even mean problems with upper management if you decide that you are really ‘too sick’ to go in.

Oops; I said it again.

If you are sick but still going to work because you have to (because there’s no one to cover for you and people will die if you don’t), you’ll spend that time before work being especially miserable, angry, resentful, and … sick. You’ll carry all your meds and sick-paraphernalia in to work and pray that you don’t run into much of the general public and, if you do, you pray that you’ve disguised your sick well enough so as not to offend them. Look, lady, I didn’t WANT to come in today!

If your child is sick, the paraphernalia stays at home, surrounding the child in his or her bed. (Since YOU are not sick, there’s no reason for you to not work, right?). And you get ready for work especially especially miserable, angry, resentful, and … worried and guilt-ridden. You are aware that you are forced to choose between the necessary job and your child, and neither answer will be right. If you choose your child (and still manage to keep your job and/or job stability), you will be concerned about the loss of income and possible negative treatment from upper-management that you were not there for them when they needed you. If you choose your job, you are a bad parent who neglects your child in a time of need. You will not be there if things worsen, you cannot fully monitor the situation, and you cannot comfort. Even a phone call might not get you there fast enough.

So, you bite the bullet and choose the job, because the income will help pay for doctor visits, orange juice, crackers, and aspirin. You spend the last five minutes before you leave the house with your hand on the door, frozen in self-doubt, worry, guilt, and resentment, knowing you should stay home and feeling you can’t. But your mind will not be on your job – which will always be pleasing to your boss.

Until now.

My kid has a fever today. It’s almost high. This child of mine would always get higher than average fevers; that became our norm. Fever days in general are worse because you want the kid to sleep, but you want regular check-ins while you are working. The only time I took a sick day in my current job wasn’t when I had the ‘flu, but when the symptoms of an intestinal virus … let’s just say I couldn’t leave the bathroom. Even my boss didn’t want to deal with that mess.

I got ready for work (yes, angry, resentful, and guilty). I stood at the door for five minutes beating myself up. I went to work. I told my boss that my kid was home sick and I would be expecting check-in phone calls —

and was sent home to take my kid to the doctor.

Specifically, because of The News (and yes, I was told to for that reason).

I may shed a little tear on payday, but right now I’m where I should be and able to take care of business.

 

 

How to tell the difference between Covid-19, ‘Flu, and Allergies

How To Get Love on Valentine’s Day (or at least have a little fun)

For whatever reason – the commemoration of a saint’s martyrdom, the Christianizing of a bloody Pagan Festival, or the marking of the beginning of the mating season for birds – we have a ‘holiday’ in mid-February that supposedly is for the purpose of celebrating LOVE.

Like Christmas, this is actually an event that should be an everyday occurrence. Also like Christmas, nobody parties harder this holiday than those interested in selling it. Unfortunately, those that are selling it are marketing only to couples.

The couples who choose to celebrate this day should party it up as hard as they want to. Wear a special red thong and heart pasties under your clothing and rock your partner’s world after an intimate dinner and a few glasses of wine.

But keep this in mind: there is never a reason not to celebrate loving someone, and this is something you can do every day.

The Valentine’s Day marketing, however, has created a few kinds of backlash. One half of the couple-ship is expected to perform in some way and the other half is set up to expect something, while those without a +1 are made to feel less-than and undeserving of a LOVE holiday.

We have let the media and marketing powers-that-be determine what kind of love should be celebrated and how to celebrate it while thumbing their noses at the unloved-by-their-standards. Buying someone flowers, chocolates or diamonds just because it’s Valentine’s Day celebrates LOVE as much as buying a car or mattress celebrates our Presidents.

Valentine’s Day is a day to celebrate LOVE, and love is love is love no matter how it is expressed: romantic, familial, friendly, or pet-love. Celebrate all of it, every single day. It is in all of us.

Understand that being single does not mean you are alone. Why not try giving yourself some love on Valentine’s Day? Get yourself some flowers (if you like them). Take an elderly shut-in out to dinner. Take your kids (or your nieces and nephews) out for ice cream. Spend quality time with a friend you don’t get to see that often. Perform a random act of kindness for a stranger.

Whether or not you feel you have it to GET, I can assure you that if you have the awareness to feel that way then you undoubtedly have it in you to GIVE – and the getting is in the giving. You can’t not feel love while you are sharing it.

***
But if you want to be petty:

Stand outside of Jared (the jewelers) and take pictures of everyone that goes inside, then use social media to spoil the surprise with a “(S)He Went to Jared!” pictorial.

Offer to babysit for the most annoying couple you know and take their kids to dinner at the same restaurant they have reservations at.

Make reservations for two at a romantic restaurant and ask for a table in the middle of the room. Put a rose in a book and place it on the table across from you and pretend you are waiting for someone. After an hour, I’ll bet someone in the room will feel bad enough to send over a drink. If you sit there long enough with mascara running down your face as you silently cry, you’ll probably end up with a free meal.

‘)

 

 

 

 

Notes to the Single Men From A Single Woman (Abridged Version)

(For the nicer, longer, less-snarky version click here.)

I am a single woman with a Facebook account. If you happen to see me there and decide to ignore the ‘INTRO’ line right under my picture that says, “Not here to make a love connection, thank you” and want to friend request me anyway, let’s get a few things out of the way by allowing me to show you how things might go (your part is in bold):

Are you single?

Yes, but if this is your way of a greeting, my answer will be to block you.

Can we talk later?

Do you mean later today, next year, or later when you’re not too busy interviewing other candidates? Aren’t we talking now?

We should meet up.
I don’t know you.
But how will I get to know you?
Are we not communicating now?

“Sweetheart…”

…

[Sends kissy-face and heart emoticons]

…

You’re beautiful.

Thank you.

You’re beautiful.

…

You’re SO beautiful.

[Block]

Do you like beards?

?????

Can I meet your kids?

No. They will not be involved unless *I* am involved. I will not use them to allow more time to spend with other people. You can meet them like everyone else on Facebook does.

Why are my friends asking me if they should accept your friend request?
Uh … accident?
[Block]

[Sends full-body bathroom selfie]

[Block]

Does an age difference bother you?

Are you expecting me to buy alcohol for you?

Older women are hot.

a.)    I know.

b.)    If you don’t know what I want you to know, I’m not willing to train you.

c.)    Run along, little boy.

d.)    Tell your mother that.

e.)    All of the above, and [Block]

Will you send me a ‘special’ picture?

Sure.

Notes to the Single Men From A Single Woman

(If this is too much for you, click here for the abridged version.)
Hello. It’s nice to meet you. I’m doing well, thank you. Yes, I slept well. Yes, thank you, I had a good week.

Are we done with the damn small talk yet?

I don’t post my relationship status on Facebook, because for many people the ‘single’ status can come across to others to be a secret code for ‘not wanting to be single’. That one word alone can attract a lot of attention. My ‘singleness’ shows in my posts: I have cats and drink wine. Duh.

There is one thing I learned from the Great Loves of my life: they seem to show up when I am not looking for it. I am not looking. Looking implies need and need implies lack. Right now, there is nothing missing from my life that I can’t get or do for myself. Nothing.

This is not relationship advice. As a single person, I am obviously unqualified to give any kind of relationship advice; but I am qualified to give a few pointers based on my singleship experience. Since I’m not the only single woman on this planet, I know I am not the only one who may feel this way.

Every time I post a new profile picture on Facebook, I get new friend requests. Stop it. Don’t friend request me because of my picture. This has nothing to do with vanity. I post pictures that I like; I’m not posting them for you. If I were the type of person that took pictures in hopes of getting certain attention from others, remember that it still stems from my own perspective of what I think ‘attractive’ is. We all have different preferences, different things that we find interesting at first sight. It’s the same way that we each have different likes in architecture or floral arrangements.

Besides, I already know I’m not everyone’s ‘cup of tea’. I’m quite okay with that.

Don’t call me ‘beautiful’ more than once. If I don’t know you, that word means nothing to me, because you’ve obviously been fooled by the best one-out-of-three photo I had to choose from to post.

I will probably also think you were an idiot for not taking that into consideration.

You are beautiful. Do you think that we need to hear that? That silly word is used too much in separation – if there are two people in a room and only one is called beautiful, then the implication is that the other is not. What makes me beautiful, truly beautiful, has nothing to do with how I look. Outside of showering and brushing my hair, I have nothing to do with my looks, and my looks have nothing to do with who I am. Being called beautiful only matters when it comes from someone who knows me – me – who is not just talking about how I look on the outside (unless I’ve dressed up ‘for’ you – my effort needs to be appreciated!).

I do get that you could be interested by a picture of someone that you see on the Internet. Sometimes, if you’re not shallow, you can see something in a picture that is truly worth being interested in – outside of the obvious. If you’ve decided you want to talk to me solely based on a picture of me, your ‘interest’ is minimal. If I caught your attention with something I said or wrote, I consider that interest valid.

Don’t tell me that I ‘intrigue’ you. I don’t want to intrigue you; intrigue implies an interest based on a question that once answered will end. I am not a mystery. I don’t try to be. Don’t try to ‘figure me out’. Just let me be. Whatever you need to know about me – what any of us needs to know about anyone else – we learn without needing to ask, because it shows in so many ways.

Pay attention.

– but don’t lavish it. Don’t try to make me feel that you are ‘all about’ me. I am the only one who should be that, and since you should be all about you, I will know you are not sincere. If you truly feel you are all about me, then I will know you feel something is missing from your life that you are looking for someone else to fill. I can’t and won’t handle that type of responsibility – and I will disappoint you.

If all you are looking for is a hook-up, be honest about it. If that was going to offend me, better to know earlier than later. I’d respect you more for your honesty – and if you contacted one of my friends and she asked about you, I might be a little nicer with what I had to say about you.

Pay VERY close attention to this part: We – us girls – actually talk to each other. Be very careful if your ‘interests’ overlap friendships or familial relations (if you are foolish enough to do that).

Stop ‘fishing’. If you have a question, ask. I am very direct. If I sense you are dancing around a question, I will call you on it and tell you to be straight with me. If you can’t handle direct, leave me alone. There are at least 6,999,999,999 other people to connect with if I want to – I have Internet.

The men I’ve encountered seem to have a problem with honesty and directness. I say ‘men’ because I’m talking about a specific type of interaction that I have with men that I don’t have with women. My best friend Donna will tell me she doesn’t have time for me because she wants to watch the football game or she’d rather do something else. I love that. I earnestly believe that that honesty should be part of all relationships and not just friendships.

With that being said, I believe that romantic relationships should be best-friendships. We tend to bring the best of ourselves – and bring out the best in the other person – when we want to be there. Donna doesn’t have to want to spend all of her time with me; she is allowed to have an interest in things that I can’t be bothered with. Those other interests of hers are part of what make her Donna, and I wouldn’t change any of it. I even allow her to have her own opinion, occasionally. 🙂

Honesty and directness should even be a part of non-interest in someone. If someone doesn’t interest you, or if they are looking for something you don’t want – even if your interests has changed – let the other person know. People-pleasing is impossible; not everything you say or feel may be what someone else wants to hear, but it is still more welcome than a prevarication. When you are single, you are free to date/talk to/show interest in as many people as you like. If you decide you have a favorite, don’t string others along – especially not as ‘backup’. If you start getting serious with one, let the others know. By that same token, don’t be so foolish as to take on more than you can handle. A running text/message conversation with long pauses in between comments is an obvious sign of your lack of attention – or that your main attention is on something else. Tell the other person you are busy; tell him or her if you are seeing someone. You’ll hurt someone more by lying, avoidance, and that silly new cowardly trait of ‘ghosting’. (Yes, I said cowardly.)

Mother Theresa said, “Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier.” Many best-selling books on business and self-help have explained that same sentiment in many ways, regarding both meeting with and confronting people. The basic idea is that you should be aware of the fact that one of three things will happen in either situation:

• the situation/meeting will improve or the connection will be deepened
• the situation/meeting remains neutral or nothing will change
• the situation/meeting will get worse or be hurtful to someone.

As human beings in general, if we strive to maintain or better any connection we have with another and to avoid worsening our dealings with them, we can be the best and truest versions of ourselves. That is the best way of showing love and respect for others – or, at least, common courtesy. Deep down, I don’t believe any one of us wants to have a list of people we know who feel bad about us because of something we did to them deliberately. If you care about yourself and how others treat you, then be mindful of how you treat them. Always. Even if you feel you will never see them again. You never know. At the very least, we can be fair to each other.

Right now, I’m not into looking for ‘relationships’ – because I feel everything is a relationship, and I’m enjoying every different kind. If someone interests you, go with it, without pushing or putting labels on anything in the beginning. Later on, sure, go for it. Talk, see where things lead – but let them take their own direction without forcing them one way. You never know the friendship – or even valuable interaction – you could miss out on because someone didn’t meet every checkpoint on your list.

If you are genuinely interested in someone and you’re both on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or whatever, you can scroll down her most recent posts to see a little of what she’s like day to day. This will give you something to talk about. Comment on her posts, interact – don’t jump into private messaging, asking for more attention. You might find out that she has cats; if you’re allergic, that could be a problem, and you’ll save time by knowing that in advance and can cross her off the list with minimal involvement.

DO NOT GO FURTHER than a few posts – especially with pictures. The last thing I want is to see an old picture of me at the beach resurfacing because it was ‘liked’ by some guy I don’t know.  Now, I know that once I put something up on the internet it is fair game and people will look, but if I don’t know you and I find out you’ve been trolling through my old photos, I’m going to assume you’re some kind of stalker – or worse: shallow.

Another thing to consider before you waste time with old pictures on someone’s page: that picture she has been notified of that you just liked, that has just been brought front and center on her newsfeed, may have been taken by someone that was at one time special to her. Whatever thoughts those pictures bring up, whether they be painful or happy memories, they will not be associated with you, and you will not gain any points for a reminder.

Even if you are looking, be real. Talk. Get to know someone without forcing the “I want to get to know you better”.

Without an end-game.

I love meeting new people, men and women. People are fascinating; they enhance shared experiences and provide unique perspectives. The writer in me learns new ways of looking at things. You never know how a random interaction can affect you later. I will strike up a conversation with anyone around me when I have something to say (when … Ha!). For me, I’ve found that the best moments, the most intense connections with people seem to come out of nowhere.

There are great websites out there for people who want to make certain types of connections. When I feel that is what I want to do, I will join one or two. But right now, I don’t want to meet people who want to meet me if they have a goal in mind, because I don’t. I don’t enjoy conversations that play like job interviews, where I’m made to feel like I am supposed to adhere to specific parameters, and one ‘wrong answer’ could terminate the conversation.

The world is full of many different opportunities – all kinds of possibilities – that we should be open to without limiting any of them by narrow expectations. None of us know all that is out there for us to have, be or achieve. I do not have a list of requirements of people that involves looks, job or financial status, or ‘potential position in my life’. What happens, happens – because whatever it is that is allowed to happen naturally will be right.

Was this just a snarky way of saying, “leave me alone”? If you read this, then you will know I have no problem saying that, if I have to. I do not consider myself an island or closed off from the world, but I am not here for your purpose or validation. I’m saying don’t expect anything of me. Don’t look for me to provide something for you or fill a vacancy. Don’t try to be my friend. Just be, let me be, and let’s go from there.

Thank you.

P.S. This does go both ways.

40-something No More!

Me, My Mother, and a Whole Lot of Coffee

When you have kids, they always seem to collect one thing that seems to take over all your living space to the point that you want to kill anyone who gives them another one. With my daughter, it was stuffed animals. Every time she got a new one I wanted to stuff it down the throat of the person who gave it to her.

In the vein of ‘things never change’ my own mother is still going through that with me, only now it’s my collection of coffee mugs.

My mother babysits for me all the time. She actually does more than that – she is there for me all of the time, for whatever I need and whenever I need it. I always manage to work jobs that have crazy hours; she pretty much takes my place at home when I’m working. That includes washing my dishes.

I don’t have a dishwasher – well, technically I suppose I do, but Mom hates when I call her that.

Her biggest bitch is about the amount of coffee cups I have. When my daughter is out for any extended period of time, it’s almost a certainty that all the ‘dishes’ in my sink will be coffee cups.

People tend to give me coffee mugs as gifts. That happens when people know you drink a lot of coffee.

The same thing happens when people know you wear tiaras.

 

Every time I get a new mug, she starts yelling about how much space they take up. With my ‘older’ perspective, it’s actually quite funny.

Just like old times.

The thing is, I can’t get rid of any of them. They all mean something to me and usually have a story attached.

This one offends my daughter. Even if I hated it (and I don’t), that’s reason enough to keep it.

This one was part of a set of four that my grandmother owned. My siblings and I each got one after she passed. Drinking from it is like having coffee with Grandma.

I got a new one two weeks ago while on vacation at Old Orchard Beach, ME. The story behind it is a little longer because it started last year.

For some reason, I wake up very early when I’m on vacation. The last three years in OOB I’ve been getting up in time to catch the sunrise on the beach. The first year my best friends and our kids and I went to Maine together we stayed in a small unit of one house. Last year and this year we got a bigger unit; the same one for this year and last. I had a HUGE problem last year with the coffee cups in the cabinet: they were teeny tiny. I would pour a cup that I would finish drinking before I walked the 15 steps to the sand. Before the week was over, I was on a quest to find the perfect coffee mug for my beach sunrise mornings.

(And I mean “quest”. Everyone heard me complaining about the lack of a decent coffee cup. Mom was there a few days with us, and she heard it, too.)

My best friend Donna found THE mug three days before we went home. We each got the same mug, just a different color.

The mug WAS perfect – until we got home. One pass thru Donna’s dishwasher and two passes through ‘my’ dishwasher and the logo washed off! We couldn’t believe it!

These cups are from 1985 and 1988 (they are dated on the bottom), and they are perfect!

When it was time to go on vacation this year, I was tempted to bring a coffee mug. I had overpacked again, and because of that I almost didn’t pack the mug. It was Mom who reminded me how … uptight I had been the previous year about the coffee mugs. I had actually forgotten until I got there and opened the cabinet and saw the cups that were there – and it all came back to me in a flash. I was grateful I did bring my own. (Thank you, Mom.)

Of course, Donna and I discussed how bummed we were about last year’s mugs. When Donna found this new one, I went out and bought one, too (a different color). The logo is in the ceramic; it won’t wash off!

Mom was unable to come up to Maine this year, so she did not know I got a new mug.

Because life is life I went back to work after we came home, and Mom was back at my house washing dishes. Of course, she noticed the new coffee mug. I was actually surprised that she didn’t start bitching. Well, she did, but then stopped herself when she realized that the logo wasn’t going to wash off. She actually sanctioned this one because of that! “You DO need your souvenir, and you had to replace the other one.” Wow!

This mug is now extra special to me; it matches one my best friend has, it’s a souvenir of a special place, and the logo won’t rub off. I’m also sure, one day when I’m forced to wash my own dishes after a week of working crazy hours and I notice the ratio of coffee cups to plates, I’m going to think of my mother.

AND because kids never change – even when they get older – the fact that my mother ‘allowed me to have it’ AFTER THE FACT makes me feel a little like I got away with something!