My best friend, Donna, is changing jobs this week. I won’t say how old she is (but she’s a month younger than I am!), a single mother as well, and leaving a place she has been working at for 25 years. This is HUGE. I think about how 20 years ago it would have been considered an even bigger deal—just because of her age, and I find that funny. This is a big deal first and foremost just because it’s a major change, age notwithstanding.
Then I got to thinking about the whole idea of “closing doors” on certain parts of our lives; this branched into many perspectives of the whole idea of closing doors, burning bridges, closing the book, etc.
The idea of closing doors (even if ‘another one opens’) is usually considered FINAL, and usually thought of along with the other thoughts of “leaving the negative behind”. That is where I started when I started thinking about writing this.
And then two days ago a special friend of ours chose to take his own life.
And then I realized it may not be possible to close doors. I’m sure for Donna now, her old job and our friend will be forever linked in this one week’s happenings. How do you close that door? She can close the door on that time period of her life when she had that job, but that job is now eerily connected to the loss of someone we loved in an odd time-knot. Yes, you can somewhat compartmentalize thoughts and ideas, splitting hairs into infinity (a specialty of mine), however initial memories—those first immediate thoughts—are usually more general and quite inclusive until you give it more attention.
Even as I write this, I realize now that I’m not sure where I’m going anymore. Grief alone fucks with your head, and it certainly changed my direction of thoughts regarding the whole idea of ‘endings’. What’s my point? I don’t know at the moment. I’m hoping I have something resembling one by the time I finish typing.
And I am going to be HONEST here. There is no small amount of anger playing in my head right now, even as I KNOW that what causes a person to make such a final decision is what THEY KNOW to be true in their own hearts, no matter what anyone else’s perception of truth is. (So, if you comment on this, don’t even tell me that. I DO understand both sides. But I am also a Libra. Libras can FEEL both sides at the same time even as they know them to be diametrically opposite, and sometimes we just choose one side for a moment. Even when I’m wallowing in any negative, I am totally aware of what’s positive, so allow me my freedom of choice, please. I’ll get out of it soon enough.)
Back to the honest anger. I’m not going to get into this too much, because this is not about him, or suicide, or death (I have figured out that much so far). Death always brings with it anger, so we will go with that general statement. Then there’s the list of what you are angry about, starting with the most extreme and moving downward.
Honesty again (and I’m sorry if you don’t agree): This is not the top of the list, but there is part of me that’s angry that it had to happen this week (and for those who don’t fully understand what I am saying I will qualify this and say again that it is not at the top of my angry list– the fact that it happened at all makes me angry first). My best friend is going through a major upheaval in her life and this just made it harder.
Hey, nobody said we aren’t selfish in grief, either.
Back to the doors. No. Not the ones with the capital D.
Still not quite sure where this is going.
Ok, I’ll start with this: The whole idea of time and NOW. Everybody has their own beliefs on time and NOW. I think Deepak Chopra explained it along the lines of everything happening NOW. When you are doing something, you are doing it NOW; when you think of something, you are thinking of it NOW, and what you are thinking is the NOW reality. So, it is all NOW. Especially when you know that time is not linear, and that it is more stacked on top of itself like old ‘45s on a spindle.
Which would kind of imply that not only is it not possible to ‘close doors’, there may not be any ‘doors’ to close at all.
(Does that make any sense to you? Hey, I know what I’m trying to say!)
We don’t close doors on our memories. Yes, we are selective in which memories we choose to think about, but that is all about our focus. Memories don’t go away, they sort of just get moved to the back of the room.
So, if we look at it that way, we are not even going through doors, we are just moving to another side of the room. Everything is connected because it is in the same room. Your good memories, your bad, your older lifestyles, your youth, your jobs, your phases… it’s all there in you. Everything you’ve ever been through, everyone you’ve ever connected with becomes a part of you and you take it all everywhere you go.
Maybe what I’m trying to say is that there’s no way of really leaving anything or anyone behind. And I’m saying this as much for me as I am for Donna (who probably already knew this anyway). So the idea of ‘closing doors’ becomes moot, taking away the sting of the thought of shutting something out. We move through one room; sometimes we are with the same people around us, sometimes some of those people remain in the other corners, but they are still in the same room.
Donna, as you move to another corner of the room, may your baggage be light (taking only the good stuff), and I hope your new spot is near a window with lots of happy sunlight streaming through it, bathing everything around you in its warmth.
(And I REALLY hope some of this made sense!)