I came out and admitted I was a writer, and have been enjoying and embracing the little ‘confirmations’ I’ve been getting along the way, even though some of them aren’t as fun as others.
Writers and artists are the record-keepers, the keepers of time. We remember things…things that affect us, that touch us in some way. It’s even hard to explain why they touch us, because sometimes it’s not the obvious black or white feelings that stand out. When I write about the past, my family and friends sometimes wonder how I remember so much—when I’m arguing with someone, they hate that I remember so much. And I’ve been kicked out of many trivia games (especially the family Christmas games at Mom’s house!)
What I remember and why I remember has nothing to do with intention. I don’t try to remember, I just do (when I try, I have to write it down—and pray I find my notes again, later!).
To those I’ve argued with, believe me, what I remember is just as much as a pain in the ass to me as it is to you! The strongest memories always have the most feelings attached to them. Duh. But it really is worse for us. Associations between words, emotions and situations are stronger. They say writers experience life twice. That is true, because in writing we are reliving it all over again. But it’s actually more than that; it’s not just the experience and then the writing of—there are so many fucking revisions involved. And even the smallest things can trigger these moments of remembering; a word, a sound, song, smell, an outfit, the weather…anything. When something triggers a happy moment, life is great. We’ve all had those moments where we’ve been surprised by a memory of something (“What ever made me think of that?”), but it happens to the record-keepers more. And in odd circumstances, the mood can be felt before the memory returns—whether or not this is fortunate depends on the memory. There’s a sensation of feelings and…I don’t know…and the sensory associations of the memory settle on you, and you feel the memory before you even remember it.
I’d been feeling…something these past couple of days.
–I’ve already admitted I have issues, so we don’t have to get into that!
But it’s been sort of nagging at me. It can be hard to explain sometimes. When I have something I want to write about, it is front and center in my head and until I get it out it can interfere with anything else I have to do (actually, everythingelse). People think I’m extremely scattered at times—I used to think that, too—but I’ve realized that when I seem to be my most scattered, I’m actually at my most focused—but on something else, onething, whatever that thing that my mind is working on (or out).
I’ve been scattered outwardly the past day or two (more than usual), and I’ve noticed it, but I couldn’t find the point of focus that I knew was there. There were those “on the tip of my tongue” moments, where I could almost figure it out…and then I’d lose it.
My friends and I have been discussing the idea of ‘signs vs. coincidences’ lately because of something that had happened to me a couple of weeks ago. I believe in signs. I do not believe in coincidences. The way I see it, you can’t believe in both; it’s either one or the other. I get signs all of the time—not that I always understand them at the time, mind you. Usually, it’s not until much later that I get a clue. My experience two weeks ago was a short period of many signs at once. Tonight, I realized another a wallop of one that I did not see that day.
Twenty minutes after that, I remembered…
–Even if it’s a memory that does not bring a good feeling, there is at least five minutes of elation: that’s why I’ve been feeling like this!
But then you are stuck on the memory.
A year ago yesterday, something was reintroduced and the idea of a promise was planted.
It’s been a year, from the tiny seedlings of intrigue, to possibilities…to nothing. On the plus side, a solid time frame gives it a sense of an end, and sometimes that is a good thing. It helps a little, anyway.
At least now I know why I’ve been feeling this way, and that is also good.
That’s why I’ve been feeling like this!
So my store of useless knowledge may have beat you in a game and my ability to remember statements verbatim may have pissed you off.
But I can also remind you of something you forgot that makes you smile.
I have to hold onto that last thought. Because sometimes, too, I think you got the better end of the deal.