Did I Win?

This was my fortune from a cookie three years ago today. Facebook reminded me of it a little while ago. Of course, my thoughts ran through any and all of my life events over the past three years. (And this is not considering the “in bed” game!)

–Now, yes, this could be a direct reference to tonight’s Powerball jackpot – I mean, three years is technically “the near future” from that date, seeing as how that as far as The Universe is concerned, three years is just a drop in the bucket! I will know for sure a little later on tonight.

However, if The Universe was talking about something else, I’m back to the question I first asked when I saw that picture again: Did I win?

Immediately my thoughts went to two separate events that happened within a short time of each other. Both were life-changing chances, and both were something I’d considered at the time to be a definite ‘win’.

At the time. I say that because I also lost both of them. This is not a matter of me getting something I thought I wanted and then finding out it wasn’t as good as I expected; both were even more wonderful than I could have hoped for, and, for reasons outside of my own control (I hear The Universe gently mocking me here), I do not have either anymore.

This makes me question the idea of a ‘win’. Is a win only momentary? Or is the win title applied when you can look back and still feel like you came out on top? A while ago, when I had what I wanted, I’d thought I’d won. Looking back now with empty hands makes me question that.

I try to find the answers by looking at events after/as a result of my alleged (I’m trying to be … optimistic?) losses. I can’t honestly say that I’ve fully recovered from either. The missing of both is still very prominent in my life, for many reasons.

So, I dig deeper. The fucking cheerleader in me has to find something … anything.

I didn’t get too depressed.

Stop laughing!

Let me rephrase: I didn’t get SO depressed that I let it prevent me from moving forward. I did publish a book, didn’t I? My first one! Yay me!

I began to see myself in a new light (after I stopped belittling myself). Progress is progress, right?

I also learned more about myself, some things I even like.

If I really learned something from my experiences, then I have gained knowledge. While that may not always seem like a win to me, any gain proves that I sure as hell didn’t lose!

And I’m still here.

I’ll take it.

Thank you. I needed to remind myself of that.


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