The Twelve (Wines) Days of Christmas

2014-12-20 00.17.49
(Also called: Who’s Getting’ Nuttin’ for Christmas?)

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
a wine glass filled with red Chianti.

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
two Zinfandels
and a glass filled with red Chianti.

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
three Pinot Noirs,
two Zinfandels
and a glass filled with red Chianti

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
four Chardonnays
three Pinot Noirs
two other drinks
and a glass filled with something that’s red

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
PETIT SIRAH!
four Chardonnays
three Pinot Noirs
two other drinks
and a glass filled with something that’s red

On the sith day of Chrissmas, my true love gave to me
Moet & Chandon
FOR AULD LANG SYNE!
Chardonnay-nay-nay
three pinnonooors
(I spilled my drink)
and a glass filled with something that’s red

On the seventh day of Chrissmas, my true love gave to meeeee
seven sparkling Rieslings
What the hell is Riesling?
I LOVE YOU, MAN!
Chardonnay-nay-nay
three pinnonnooors
two other drinks
and a – I really, really mean it

On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love poured for me
–You’re being so sweet
Do you think I’m pretty?
Prettier than her?
DO YOU LOVE ME?
– Chardonnay-nay-nay
(nay-nay! Ha!)
You trying to get me drunk?
Better not try to get in my pants!

On the ninth day –
Nine? What number are we on?
On the tenth day of Christmas …
Mmmm—mm-mm-mm-mmm …
What day are we on?

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
eight-seven-ten-nine
There is my table
– Someone help me up-
You should see me dancing!
(I hope I don’t fall!)
Y.M.C.A!
Someone hold my glass
this song’s mine
I can sing it, too!
Girls just wanna have – WHERE’S MY DRINK?

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Sangiov—
… san-jee-oh … san-jee … oh, fuck it!
then he tried to kiss me
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Stop tickling me!
eight f*&(ing wha’s this?
sevensomethingsomething
Please hold my hair back
– I’M GONNA PUKE!
four Tylenols
three blankets
two soft pillows
– and now he’s getting nothing from me!